Invincible

I'm a sinner, and I am broken. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Admit that right there. I know for me, a mix of pride, shame, and insecurity often prevent me from doing just that. And before I confuse you too much more, lemme explain.

I have grown up in the perfect life. I have an older brother, two loving parents, a dog, and straight a's. I have had multiple people tell me my life is like a movie. I'm not sure what happened, but freshman year my life didn't seem good enough anymore. I was constantly trying to impress everyone I met. Maybe it came from the fact that I have always considered myself overlooked, with nothing to make me special, or beautiful, or anything but 100% ordinary. But since freshman, I have tried to make myself stand out, only to be one uped every time. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but all of them seem to be so much smarter, or prettier, or well liked. I constantly compared myself to them. By the time my junior year hit, I had put so much pressure on myself, I started losing control of it. Normally bubbly and happy, I began to fear school and seeing my friends. I, without realizing it, distanced myself from my friends. I was always stressing about one thing or another and it began to effect every aspect of my life. Around February, I began to realize nobody wanted to be my friend anymore. Have you ever tried high school without friends? I don't suggest it. I cried every night begging for someone to reach out. I didn't understand what I had done to lose all my friends. They talked to me at school? I became a master of "faking it" and making it seem I had it all together when I was falling apart. I honestly wouldn't have made it through without my boyfriend, who confronted my friends behind my back. Of course, my true friends had no intention of hurting me and felt horrible once they knew the pain I was going through. Because of this, I  began to feel so insecure about my personality, I hid it, balled it up inside of me and through it to the side. Before long, I began to feel a pit in my stomach, especially around new or intimidating people. The pit didn't go away, though. It stayed there no matter how sick it made me or how much weight it made me lose. I had this pit in my stomach for 5 months straight, only getting worse with each time I woke up.

Now, throughout this trial in my life, I refused help. I mean, my boyfriend had to go behind my back to get me help!!! I didn't want to inconvenience anyone and I thought I was strong enough to pull myself out of it. Worst part is, I neglected God. My hard-headed self thought I was strong enough to face my human life with out God, while part of me felt too embarrassed to ask God for help when my life was so great. My anxiety continued until about halfway through of my first week as summer camp at The Pines Catholic Camp. My friends from camp will never truly understand how much they mean to me. They saved me from a dark place and even though I don't keep up with them as much as I used too, when I think about them and their beautiful, genuine souls and how they encourage me to be myself and go to God for help, I am at peace for I know the Lord had given me more than I deserve. I woke up on that Tuesday morning, holding back tears because for the first time in forever, I was happy. I was relaxed and I was myself.

Crazy how I spent all that time searching, and the answer was literally right beside me, begging me to ask Him for help. I cant explain the joy that overflowed my life, and how nice it felt to smile again. I didn't want to admit I was broken, but once I did, I was fixed. Beautiful, right?

Now  a few months later, I don't even recognize the girl I was six months ago. I have let myself enjoy this year and I have never been more happy. Though I still have many challenges, I pray. I beg the Lord for help. I cry "I am broken and I am a sinner" and with patience, I know he will fill my breaks with love and peace and he will heal my pain in time.

If you ever struggle, ask for help. The Lord made us to be vulnerable to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are made vulnerable so the Lord can make us invincible.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 9:38-39

Much Love and God Bless,

MC Halphen

(thanks for reading all the way though, ive never blogged before and idk if I did this right but you rock because you stuck with it!)