Two of the most common complaints among Christians are "Why aren't I happy?" and "Why am I so weak?" We always ask God for strength and happiness. We have a hard time understanding why we have to face so much sacrifice and pain. Yet we always find a way to comfort ourselves, reminding ourselves that God has a plan and just have faith. However, sometimes that's easier said than done.
I always refer to my growing up as being very cliché. I was raised Catholic, always went to church, etc. Everybody at my church thought I was the picture perfect Catholic youth. There was always that pressure on me to be perfect. If I had any problems, I couldn't talk about them. "Just deal with it and be better," is what I'd always tell myself. Soon enough, those problems that I ignored and kept hidden took over my life. The feelings I kept buried inside me soon began to push everything else away, including my relationship with God. There was just such a pressure to be perfect. How could I be perfect and have problems at the same time? It got to the point where I just couldn't deal anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing. There was an emptiness in my heart where I had gotten rid of God. I had lost all faith. Why would he make life so difficult? Why couldn't I make perfect grades and be super pretty and just be happy? Soon I began trying to fill the hole in my heart with comforts other than what should have been Christ's love. I tried physical self harm, attention from boys because if I didn't have a boyfriend, then I wasn't being perfect, but soon even that wasn't enough and the road I was traveling down kept getting darker and narrower (believe it or not, i'm not even going into very much detail about how very dark this time was for me). I began to hate myself and life. I started doing drugs, because I didn't even want to be in my own state of mind. What was the point if who I was wasn't perfect?
Then, the summer after my Sophomore year, I went back to the Pines Catholic Camp. This was my 5th year at the camp, so it was nothing new. I figured I'd just go through the motions and try to make the week go by as quickly as possible. Halfway through the week we had Adoration and during Adoration, we were given the opportunity to go to confession. Now, at this point in my life, sitting in front of the Holy Eucharist, knowing all the sins on my heart, I felt truly embarrassed. I began to sob. I just started apologizing over and over again to God for everything I'd done to offend him, but I knew that wasn't enough, so I went to confession. I didn't leave a single detail out. I just took all my sins and laid them down at the Lord's feet, and said "This is it God. This is all I have to offer. This is all that's left of me. I'm broken. I'm empty. I'm imperfect. Guide me." I had an awesome priest help me confess too. And he told me some of the best advice ever. Some of his words still stick with me: "God suffered enough for you. You don't need to suffer anymore." And it was so simple, what he said. It made so much sense, like DUH! But it was exactly what I needed to hear. So as I walked back into the chapel, I stared straight into God's face on the crucifix and smiled. I was overwhelmed with joy! I couldn't cry, anymore! I didn't want to! I just wanted to laugh and be joyful. It was definitely a life changing moment.
Now, returning home after that though, of course, wasn't so easy. My past still haunted me, and I hadn't quite forgiven myself, which made the healing process very difficult. I hadn't quite "cleaned up my act" (for lack of a better phrase) until about halfway through the year when I realized that this person I was, this person that I struggled to change from, was not who God wanted me to be, and I knew that in the summer I'd be returning to the Pines and I would want to be as guilt free as possible.
So back at the Pines a year later, I went to confession and cleared my mind of every guilt that I had. But I still struggled with wanting to be perfect. What college should I go to? What should I major in? What's my vocation? I was stressed out beyond believe. Now this year at camp, I was a CIT (Counselor in Training), which meant I was supposed to be a role model for all these other campers, and on top of that, I had my own cabin of campers. Twelve middle school girls in specific that were going to lean on me for guidance for an entire week! So at Adoration, I knelt before God and asked him "How am I supposed to be strong enough to care for and support these girls, when I can barely take care of myself?" and He answered to me: There is joy in sacrifice and there is strength in weakness.
I prayed on those words for a minute and then felt compelled to look up at the crucifix and when I did, it was like BAM! There's your proof. God sacrificed is only son for us! Jesus sacrificed His life for us. For sinners. But He did not despair over it. He was willing. He is joy! He is strength! He suffered through complete weakness, so that He may be our strength and our rock.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
My friends, you are never alone. You are never so low, that God cannot pick you back up. We are His children and His love for us is without boundaries. We will endure hard times, but that's just it. We will endure. I know that sometimes it feels as if we have strayed so far from Christ's path, that we will never find our way back, but Christ is our light. You are never so lost, that He cannot find you. All God wants, is for us to love him. If we just open our hearts to Him and let Him take control, He will guide us.
"The LORD will fight for you, you have only to keep still." Exodus 14:14
God bless,
Becca Jane Hughes
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